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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24396310">Big Damn Questions</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lvs2read/pseuds/lvs2read'>lvs2read</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Firefly, Serenity (2005)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, Gen, Gen Work, Implied Relationships, Multi, Pre-BDM, old fic is old, post-BDM</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 03:36:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,165</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24396310</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lvs2read/pseuds/lvs2read</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Some of the crew answer some interesting questions. First up is Book. This was written before the comic "A Shepherd's Tale" was published, so he continues to be ... circumspect... in his answers. Although, he probably would have continued to be so, even then. :)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hoban Washburne/Zoë Washburne, Kaylee Frye/Simon Tam</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Book</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Back in 2006 a prompt/challenge community formed on LJ called big_damn_quests. These are my responses, as posted at that time, to various questions as answered by a few of the crew. I never did answer as Mal, Simon or Jayne. Odd, that. Ah, well...</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>Finding Forgiveness</strong><br/>
<i>In answer to Round #1, Challenge #1: Describe your greatest fear, and how it has changed your life.</i></p><p>Well, son, I've lived a long life. Seen a lot of things. Done a lot of things, too. Some I'm not so proud of. Didn't used to be scared of anything. </p><p>One day, though, it came to me that I wouldn't live forever. Made me think about the life I'd been leading up to that point. Got to talking with an old man about belief. Told him I didn't have any use for this God he kept talking about. But the more we talked, the more I realized that I did, indeed, have a need for God. </p><p>I needed to be forgiven for my past sins, and the only way I could see that happening was if I could atone for them in some small way. So I studied His ways, and joined the Abbey. Found peace I'd never known while I was there, but didn't feel I was making up for those sins I spoke of. </p><p>Decided it was time to walk in the world for a spell. Spread the word to them who was needing it. Help those I could, in whatever way I could. </p><p>You want to know what my greatest fear is? It's dying before I've done enough to earn forgiveness. As for how it's changed my life, well, I'm a Shepherd now, not a … </p><p>Oh, excuse me, I believe that's the call to supper. Care to join us? Sit a spell? Maybe you could tell me about your greatest fear. Might be, I'd be able to help you overcome it.</p>
<hr/><p><strong> Leaving</strong><br/>
<i>In answer to Round #1, Challenge #2: What is the hardest decision you've ever had to make? Why &amp; what influenced you to choose as you did?</i></p><p>When I was a young man, I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. Fell in with some people that others might consider the 'right kind'. Stayed with them a good long while, until one day I realized I didn't much like the life I was leading. </p><p>So I decided to enter the Abbey and study the word of God. Stayed there a good long while as well. Probably would have stayed longer, but felt a calling to walk in the world. So I took a trip on a Firefly, an Aught Three--with the extenders. </p><p>Fell in with some people that others might consider the 'wrong kind'. Thought about leaving them right away, but watching the way they looked out for each other, the self-sacrificing way they gave up things for others, the pure joy they took in the simple things of life, I decided to stay with them for a while. </p><p>There came a day, though, that I knew I needed to leave them. I'd learned all I could from them, and I have some hope they learned from me as well. They are, and always will be, my friends, but I had more to learn in this life.</p><p>Chose this mining community out here on the Rim. Haven, it's called, and I hope to make it one for all those in need of a resting place. It was tough, though, watching that Firefly lift off and leave me behind. I know my friends will stop by to visit now and again, but letting them go was the hardest decision I've ever had to make.</p>
<hr/><p><strong>Faces</strong><br/>
<i>In answer to Round #1, Challenge #3: What do you see every time you close your eyes?</i></p><p>Sometimes it's an old man, older than I, if you can imagine. He is the abbot of Southdown Abbey, and had been my mentor for many years. When I chose to walk in the world again, he advised me to walk with care.</p><p>Other times it's a beautiful woman, a Companion. In some circles she might be considered a sinner in need of saving, but she is one of the most spiritual women I've ever known. She gave me courage when I thought I was on the wrong path, causing me to leave my preconceived misconceptions behind me.</p><p>Now and then it's a man of fierce determination. A man who lost his faith in God, but not his faith, although he won't admit to that. A man who thinks the only clear path is the one you follow when you're lost in the woods. He and I have had many discussions of a philosophical nature, and I hope in time he will realize that to find your path in life you have to believe--in something.</p><p>Often it's another man with whom I have had many deep and meaningful conversations. A mercenary by trade, many consider him unintelligent and simple, but he is capable of a deep and abiding love for family. While slow to express his thoughts, he is one of the most curious people I've ever met, always wanting to learn and understand the 'verse in which he travels.</p><p>Many times it's a traumatized young girl and her brother, a brilliant young doctor. They have had thrust upon them a life for which they had no preparation, and the devotion they have for each other is powerful enough to see them through it. When I think of the roads they have journeyed, I have nightmares.</p><p>Occasionally it's the people I knew in my youth, before I chose the path of a Shepherd. I try not to think of the route I was on then, choosing instead to leave it in God's hands, hoping that one day I shall atone for the sins I committed while following it.</p><p>Always it's faces. Faces of people I've met on the voyage that is my life. I pray to God every night that I will see many more faces before crossing over to, hopefully, glimpse his.</p><p><strong>Friends</strong><br/>
<i>In answer to Round #1, Challenge #4: What in your life are you proudest of?</i></p><p>I've done many things in my life, some of which made me very proud at the time, but now seem to have been done for all the wrong reasons, thereby negating any pride I may have felt.</p><p>When I found God, I learned humility. Learned not to be prideful of my accomplishments, but to take pride in my service to Him. You would think, then, that I would be proudest of the time I've spent spreading His word. You would be wrong.</p><p>I believe what I am most proud of is the friendships I have made while in His service. My fellow brethren at the abbey took me into their hearts and home, making me feel welcome though I was unworthy. They were my first true friends--ones who accepted me, warts and all--but they were by no means my last. </p><p>When I decided to walk in the world and ended up on that Firefly I mentioned earlier, I never expected to become friends with the crew. Expected to fly with them for just a short time before moving on. Didn't happen that way. Stayed with them for more than a year and became friends with each and everyone of them. </p><p>The bright-faced girl with a love of the simple pleasures of life. I smile, even now, when I remember her reaction to fresh strawberries. The pilot with an inner strength hidden behind a wacky sense of humor and a child-like love of toy dinosaurs.  The first-mate, a woman confident enough to follow unquestioningly, call her captain on the carpet, or lead an assault team--whatever the occasion warrants. The said captain. The hired gun. The doctor and his troubled sister. The Companion. They're a diverse group, but I consider them all my friends; and I hope and believe they consider me theirs.</p><p>Yes, that is what I am proudest of in my life - the lasting friendships I have made throughout the years.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Zoë</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Zoë answers some difficult questions.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Posted back in 2006 for Round 2 at the LJ community big_damn_quests. Post-BDM, and all that implies. Obviously, before the comic "Float Out" was published.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p><strong>Too Late</strong><br/>
<i>In answer to Round 2, Challenge 1: Who did you look up to most as a child, and why? Do you still admire them?</i></p>
<p>Grew up in the black. Not many people around, just my folks and the crew. Met others now and then when we delivered goods, but otherwise not so many around to look up to - or not. We were a small crew. Daddy was pilot and client rep. Had a coupla men to help move cargo. Momma did everything else: cooking, bookkeeping, any doctoring that needed done - didn't have a real doc. When I came along, she taught me everything a child needs to know. As I grew, she showed me the ropes: how to keep the customer happy, the business solvent, and the crew in line. She was an amazing woman. Wouldn't know it to look at her, but she was tough as nails with a soft spot for her family underneath it all. Haven't thought 'bout her in a long time. Always hoped I could be as good a mother as she was. But now…</p><hr/>
<p><strong>Regrets</strong><br/>
<i>In answer to Round 2, Challenge 2: What moment in your life has caused you to feel the greatest amount of shame?</i></p>
<p>Can't say as I'm ashamed of anything I've ever done. Probably did some stuff when I was young. Who hasn't? I grew up, as all children do.</p>
<p>Remorse, though, that's another story. When Wash… Well, when that Reaver weapon came through <i>Serenity</i>'s windshield, knew then I'd never see the beautiful child we could've had. That's what causes me the most regret.</p><hr/>
<p><strong>No Point</strong><br/>
<i>In answer to Round 2, Challenge 3: If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be and why?</i></p>
<p>Don't rightly see the point in wanting to change myself. I am who I am. Ain't nothing to be done about it.</p>
<p>Some might think I should be more 'feminine', but I don't see where that would be to my advantage. Wouldn't be able to provide the backup Mal needs if I was going 'round in a dress all the time. 'Sides, being 'feminine' ain't 'bout what you wear. It's 'bout who you are. And Wash thought I was good enough. Anybody thinks different can take it up with him in the afterlife.</p>
<p>Others might think I should be a mite more talkative, but I figure there's enough talkers on this boat. Somebody's gotta listen, and I've always been a good listener. Was one of things that made Wash such a good partner. He loved to tell his silly stories, and I never tired of listening to 'em.</p>
<p>Nope. I like who I am. And Wash loved who I am. Ain't no reason to change.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Wash</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Wash gets to have his say from the afterlife. Post-BDM and all that implies. Translations in rollover.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Posted in 2006 as responses to Round 4 at the LJ community big_damn_quests. Apparently, I didn't sign up for Round 3? IDK, it's been a long time. I was probably on vacation or something. :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p><strong>Anger</strong><br/>
<i>In answer to Round #4, Challenge #1: How did you survive the toughest battle of your life?</i></p><p>How did I…? Are you joking? What kind of question is that? I didn't. What kind of place is this anyway, that you don't know that? And I thought Jayne wasn't the smartest one in the bunch. At least he'd know not to ask such a <i><span>yù bèn</span></i> question. What? You think I sound angry? Damn straight, I'm angry! After everything I did? I flew us through Reaver territory - twice! I maneuvered us past all those Alliance ships, all shooting their weapons at everything in sight, I might add. I even managed to get us on the ground when we lost all control. Sure we were tore up, but we were alive. And then that damn harpoon! And you want to know how I survived?! <i><span>Qù nǐ de</span></i>!</p>
<hr/><p><strong>Puzzled</strong><br/>
<i>In answer to Round #4, Challenge #2: Do you have faith in a higher power that guides your life? Fate, Karma, God, anything?</i></p><p>Do I have faith? Or do I believe? 'Cause from where I'm standing now? Yeah, I believe. If you'd asked me this question before, I think I might have said that I had faith. </p><p>After all, how many people do you know that are born on a planet so polluted you can't see the stars who grow up to pilot a ship through those same stars? Had to have been some kind of higher power at work there, right? And to be lucky enough to be in the right place, at the right time, to meet the love of my life? Oh, yeah. Definitely someone or something looking over my shoulder then. </p><p>Never really thought about who or what that someone or something might have been, but had faith that he, she or it was guiding me, especially the day I asked the lovely Zoë to be my wife, and she said yes. Was so scared she was going to laugh in my face. Don't think I would ever have had the courage to ask, if it hadn't been for the faith I had that we were meant to be together.</p><p>Now, though? Sure, I still believe. Not so sure about the faith part any more. Oh, we did the right thing. Don't get me wrong. But the dying part? Still puzzled about how that fits into the grand scheme of my life. Always had faith I'd live to grow old with my warrior woman. What happened? Did you blink?</p>
<hr/><p><strong>Worried</strong><br/>
<i>In answer to Round #4, Challenge #3: Do you believe in true love? Have you ever felt it?</i></p><p>Do you people not listen? Wasn't I just talking about Zoë, my warrior woman, the love of my life? Of course I believe in true love. You would, too, if you'd ever seen us together. </p><p>A lot of people didn't get Zoë and me. We're such opposites. I'm a pretty happy-go-lucky kind of guy, or I was. And she's such a stoic, at least when she's around everybody else. But when it was just the two of us? We fit, you know? She's the <i>yīn</i> to my <i>yáng</i>, my better half, my <i><span>xīn líng bàn lŭ</span></i>. Sure, we fought sometimes. What couple doesn't? But the making up afterwards? Talk about feeling the love, if you catch my drift.</p><p>I worry about her now almost more than I did before. Then I worried about her getting hurt or dying. Now I'm worried that she'll go back into her shell. Not let anyone near her ever again. The way Mal is. I hope she's all right. Do you know? Can you tell me? Please?</p>
<hr/><p><strong>Too Many Questions</strong><br/>
<i>In answer to  Round #4, Challenge #4: What is your biggest pet peeve?</i></p><p>You know, not much use to bother me. Long as I had a ship to pilot, food in my belly, and Zoë in my bed - not necessarily in that order, you understand - I was happy. Oh sure, the way she'd follow Mal into any hare-brained situation he'd suggest bugged me, until the time I went in her place. Scary place, that. But at least then I understood better, so it didn't bother me…as much. Knew she was going so she could look out for him, keep him safe, and you never knew a man who needed more looking after I can tell you.</p><p>No, not much used to bother me. But now? Now I'm getting awful gorramn tired of the <i><span>yù bèn de</span></i> questions you people keep asking. Are we done yet? Can I go? Come to think of it, where am I going? Or don't you know the answer to that question, either?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Kaylee</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Kaylee gets her turn.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Posted in 2006 in response to Round #5 at the LJ community big_damn_quests. Post-BDM and all that implies. Translations in rollover.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>  <strong>Fear</strong><br/>
<i>In answer to Round #5, Challenge #1: Would you be able to kill someone to save your own life? To save someone you loved?</i></p><p>First time I tried to kill somebody, didn' work out too well. Got scared and froze. Hadn't been for River, don't know what might've happened. She didn't freeze. Shot those men without even lookin'. Didn' even bother her none, after, that she'd done it. That scared me even more.</p><p>When that bounty hunter boarded my girl, I didn't even have a chance to try. He snuck up on me, same as he did to all the others, and said things made my blood run cold. Got so scared I couldn't think. 'Til River told me what to do. Her confidence in me gave me the strength to do what needed done. But it weren't up to me to do any killin' that time. I'm glad, too. Still get nightmares as it is. Simon says it's only natural and that they'll fade in time. Wish they'd hurry up.</p><p>Then came the time we had t'fight all them Reavers. Almost froze then, too. But seein' River fall apart, and Simon sayin' what he did, helped me. Knew I had to help protect my friends best I could. 'Course, I was still scared, but think I did all right. Took out one or two of them Reavers didn' I, 'fore they shot me with their darts?</p><p>So, yeah, guess I could kill somebody if'n I had to. Sure hope I never have to, again, though.</p>
<hr/><p><strong>Men</strong><br/>
<i>In answer to Round #5, Challenge #2: What was the most uncertain period of your life? The most certain?</i></p><p>I was never more certain of anythin' as I was the day the cap'n offered me a job on <i>Serenity</i>. Daddy taught me young 'bout engines and stuff, said I had a gift for knowin' what they needed. Always dreamed o' leavin' home to fly in the black, but never had any luck with any o' the other ships came into our little port. All them other captains'd take one look at me and laugh, tellin' me to run on back home to momma. Not Cap'n Reynolds, though. He listened to what I told him, an' offered me the job without thinkin' twice when I fixed our girl. Was so excited just had to run home an' tell Daddy and Momma. I ain't regretted leavin' home for one minute, neither. This here's where I belong.</p><p>Uncertainty, though, that started the day I met Dr. Simon Tam. Oh, I probably shouldn't give his full name. You just forget I said that, okay? Just think of him as Simon, that's what I do. He's so <i><span>shuài</span></i>. And smart! Knows so many things about Earth-that-was! His stories are always so…educational. He's fun when he's drunk, too. Lots o' people get mean after a drink or two, but not Simon. He starts tellin' funny stories. Loosens up, too. Loses all his…properness. Is that a word? Anyway, took me forever to get him to open up to me when he weren't drunk. We'd get close, then somethin' 'd happen, he'd say or do somethin', an' we'd back to square one. He blew so hot and cold, got me to wonderin' if maybe he weren't sly and just didn't wan' t'say so - case he hurt my feelin's, you know? We finally got together, while back, an' the sex ain't been nothin' but good. Sometimes think he's bored, other times though... Not really there when we're talkin', you know what I mean? Makes me uncertain all over again.</p>
<hr/><p><strong>Guilt</strong><br/>
<i>In answer to Round #5, Challenge #3: What has come the closest to breaking you?</i></p><p>Seen and done a lot, out here in the black. Some of it pretty awful, too. Seen what happens t' people after a Reaver attack. Them that's left alive 'n how they mutilate themselves. Seen what happens when a <span><i>sāng xīn bìng kuáng</i></span> tortures them he thinks has done him wrong. Seen a dead man come to life only to die again. Seen my home invaded, my friends killed. Done some killin' o' my own.</p><p>Like to think I'm stronger for goin' through all that, even though those last things brought me near to breakin'. Think what came closest to breakin' me, though, was when my girl caught fire. All 'cause I didn't realize how bad off she were. Sure, knew we needed the new part. Even told Cap'n 'bout it - several times. Just didn't know how badly she was hurtin'. Wasn't listenin' t' her. Too busy… Well, anyway. Hardest thing I ever did was leave her and Cap'n behind. Neither of 'em deserved to die alone. 'Specially not on account o' somethin' I'd missed knowin' about.</p><p>Turned out good, in the end, though. Cap'n got the part from them scavengers. Fixed our girl up good and proper, he did. Even with a bullet in his belly. An' Simon fixed <em>him</em> up good and proper. So I didn't break then, neither. But I did learn to listen to my girl, an' t'be a mite more forceful with Cap'n when she really needs somethin'. 'Course, he still don't always listen. But next time, 'n there's bound t'be a next time, at least it won't be for lack o' <em>me</em> listenin'.</p>
<hr/><p><strong>Making Allowances</strong><br/>
<i>In answer to Round #5, Challenge #4: Do you believe in fresh starts?</i></p><p>Fresh starts? You mean like second chances? Guess I must, since I let Simon have so many of 'em. 'Bout gave up on him several times, but each time he'd say somethin' sweet, or look so confused, that I just couldn't do it. Had t'give him a chance to start again. After all, he's just a man - spite of his Core-bred ways - an' men don't always say the right thing at the right time. Heck, most o' the time they're not even knowin' they're sayin' somethin' wrong. Why is that, y's'pose? Don't their brains connect to their eyes 'n ears? Anyway, he finally said the right thing at the right time, so it's been worth it, lettin' him try again and again. Still says the wrong thing now an' then, but I figure every day's a new day, so I tell myself every evenin' not t'stay mad at him. I like startin' fresh every mornin' with him too much t'do otherwise.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Inara</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Inara remembers her past.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Posted in 2006 as responses Round 6 at the LJ community big_damn_quests.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p><strong>No Different</strong><br/>
<i>In answer to Round 6, Challenge 1: Describe your greatest childhood fears or nightmares.</i></p><p>I believe that I had the same fears as other children do. Fear of the dark. Of the monster under the bed, or in the closet. Of large animals. Of getting lost in the woods. As I grew up, I realized that the shadows in the dark were just that, shadows. I also understood there was nothing to fear under the bed or in the closet. I still prefer small animals to large ones, but I'm no longer afraid of them - except for the dangerous ones, as anyone in their right mind would be. Unfortunately, I'm still lost in the woods. We all are. I continue to search for the path to guide me out. Hopefully some day I will find it.</p>
<hr/><p><strong>Pale Imitation</strong><br/>
<i>In answer to Round 6, Challenge 2: Describe your mother. What was she like and how did she shape you?</i></p><p>My mother…She was the most graceful woman I'd ever seen. So calm and poised. I wanted to be just like her. I would imitate her movements, trying to walk as she did. She never raised her voice, and yet everyone in the household would listen when she spoke. I would try to emulate her, but my childish tones never quite had the same effect.</p><p>When I was old enough to understand, ten I believe, she told me that she had been a Companion and everything that entailed. The next year she asked me if I thought I would like to be a Companion when I was grown. What could I say? She was my mother. I adored her. I wanted to be just like her. Of course I said yes.</p>
<hr/><p><strong>Friendship</strong><br/>
<i>In answer to Round 6, Challenge 3: Have you ever had a teacher who changed your life? When and how?</i></p><p>When I first went to the Training House on Sihnon, one of the older girls took me under her wing, as is the practice. She helped me adjust to the way of living there, guided me through my lessons, became my closest friend.</p><p>Somehow, even though she was a couple of years ahead of me in schooling, we ended up in the same dulcimer class. I loved the instrument. The music just seemed to flow whenever I touched the strings. The same could not be said of my friend. Oh, she was competent enough. But our instructor kept telling her to 'feel the music' not just play it. After about the fifth time, she threw the instrument on the floor and stormed out of the room. </p><p>This was such unusual behavior for her that I asked our teacher to let me go after her. He granted me permission, and I went looking for her. I found her in her room, packing. I couldn't understand. She was so close to becoming a certified Companion, and she was leaving. It felt like a betrayal. She said she had decided being a Companion was to restricting. She wanted adventure, so she was heading out to find it while she was still young enough. We embraced, promised to keep in touch, and then she left me standing there, tears rolling down my cheeks.</p><p>I didn't see her again for many years. Her name was Nandi.</p>
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